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Leadership

Work Drama Triangle (and How to Escape It)

The Drama Triangle is a psychological and social model of human interaction that highlights dysfunctional dynamics often seen in relationships, workplaces, and personal lives. Created by Stephen Karpman in 1968, this model identifies three primary roles people unconsciously adopt: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. While these roles may feel familiar and even comforting in the moment, they often lead to unproductive behaviors and strained relationships. By understanding the Drama Triangle and replacing it with healthier patterns like the Winning Triangle, we can transform our interactions and create more positive outcomes. And strengthen our muscle of Communication Intelligence (CQ). Let’s dig deeper into the subject today so you can understand better your behavior patterns with a practical solutions on how to get out of it. The Story of the Drama Triangle Stephen Karpman, a student of transactional analysis, developed the Drama Triangle to illustrate how people can become trapped in unhealthy relational patterns. These roles are not fixed, and individuals may shift between them during a single interaction. The triangle often begins with one person adopting a role, which triggers complementary roles in others, creating a cycle of blame, helplessness, and over-involvement. Let’s explore these roles in detail: The Victim The Victim feels powerless, overwhelmed, and unable to take responsibility for their situation. This role is characterized by self-pity and an underlying belief that “I can’t do it” or “Life is unfair.” Behaviors: Avoidance of responsibility, learned helplessness, seeking sympathy. Typical Sentences: – “Why does this always happen to me?” – “I can’t handle this.” – “No one understands how hard this is for me.” Position in the OK-OK Matrix: The Victim operates from an “I’m not OK, you’re OK” position, perceiving themselves as inferior or incapable compared to others. The Persecutor The Persecutor blames and criticizes others to maintain control or assert dominance. They often feel justified in their actions but lack empathy for others. Behaviors: Aggression, fault-finding, micromanaging. Typical Sentences: – “This is all your fault.” – “You never do anything right.” – “If you had just listened to me, we wouldn’t be in this mess.” Position in the OK-OK Matrix: The Persecutor operates from an “I’m OK, you’re not OK” position, seeing themselves as superior while devaluing others. The Rescuer The Rescuer intervenes excessively to “save” others, often neglecting their own needs. While their actions may appear helpful, they can enable Victims to remain passive and dependent. Behaviors: Overhelping, unsolicited advice-giving, neglecting self-care. Typical Sentences: – “Let me fix this for you.” – “You can’t do this without me.” – “Don’t worry; I’ll handle everything.” Position in the OK-OK Matrix: The Rescuer operates from an “I’m OK, you’re not OK” position but masks it with seemingly altruistic behavior. What Is the Cost of the Drama Triangle at Work? When workplace interactions are led by the Drama Triangle, several negative outcomes emerge: – Decreased Productivity: Time and energy are wasted on blame-shifting or rescuing instead of solving problems collaboratively. – Eroded Trust: Dysfunctional dynamics create resentment and reduce psychological safety among team members. – Stagnation: Victims avoid growth opportunities, Persecutors stifle creativity through criticism, and Rescuers prevent others from developing autonomy. – Burnout: Rescuers often overextend themselves, while Victims feel perpetually overwhelmed and Persecutors experience frustration from unmet expectations. In essence, the Drama Triangle traps individuals in cycles of conflict and inefficiency, undermining both individual well-being and organizational success. The Winning Triangle: A Healthier Alternative To break free from the Drama Triangle, Acey Choy introduced the Winning Triangle as a model for healthier interactions. This framework replaces the dysfunctional roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer with three constructive counterparts: Vulnerable, Assertive, and Caring/Coaching. These roles empower individuals to take responsibility for themselves while keeping respect and collaboration with others. And to operate from OK-OK position that gives us a chance to use all of our skills and growth mindset. Vulnerable (Replacing the Victim) Vulnerability involves acknowledging one’s feelings and needs without going into the realm of helplessness. It requires self-awareness and a willingness to seek support constructively. What can you do? – Admit when you’re struggling but frame it as an opportunity for growth. – Ask for help without expecting others to solve everything for you. – Use “I” statements to express your needs clearly. How can you say it? – “I’m feeling overwhelmed; can we brainstorm solutions together?” – “I need some support with this task—could you guide me through it?” Vulnerability fosters authenticity and encourages open communication. It creates an environment where challenges are addressed collaboratively rather than avoided. It’s healthier, creating a space to grow, make mistakes and learn from them, as well as using the experience and wisdom of others’. Assertive (Replacing the Persecutor) Assertiveness involves expressing one’s thoughts and boundaries respectfully while considering others’ perspectives. It balances confidence with empathy. What can you do? – Provide constructive feedback rather than criticism. – Set boundaries clearly but kindly. – Focus on solutions instead of assigning blame. How can you say it? – “I noticed an issue with this report; let’s discuss how we can improve it.” – “I value your input, but I need some time to focus on my own tasks right now.” Assertiveness promotes accountability and problem-solving without alienating others. It helps create a culture of respect and mutual understanding, without treating people like worse or stupid. It’s creating a chance for everybody to take their own responsibility for what they do at work. Caring (Replacing the Rescuer) Caring involves offering support without overstepping boundaries or fostering dependency. It respects others’ autonomy while providing encouragement. What can you do? – Offer help only when it’s needed or requested. – Encourage others to take ownership of their responsibilities. – Practice active listening without immediately jumping in with solutions. How can you say it? – “How can I support you in resolving this issue?” – “You’ve got this—I’m here if you need guidance.” Caring builds trust and empowers

16 March 2025 No Comments

Leadership

Why Leaders Quit Learning and How to Overcome It?

In today’s fast-paced world, the importance of continuous learning cannot be overstated, especially for leaders. However, many leaders find themselves ceasing to learn over time, which can have huge (and negative) effects on their organization, team and their personal growth. Understanding why leaders quit learning and finding solutions to these challenges is crucial for sustained success. Here are five essential reasons why leaders stop learning and how they can overcome these obstacles. 1. Success is already achieved, right? Many leaders become satisfied after achieving a certain level of success. They feel that their current knowledge and skills are sufficient to maintain their position and continue leading effectively. This state can lead to stagnation and a lack of innovation: can be a fog that stop us from seeing things clearly. Sometimes it’s also connected with: “I’ve learned something 2/5/10 years ago and it worked. Why should I bother learning something new?!”. Sure thing, we can use the knowledge and experiences from the past. But we also know that the world changes all the time. And the speed of those changes is extremely high. Solution? Leaders should cultivate a mindset of lifelong learning. Embracing the idea that there is always more to learn can keep them motivated. One practical approach is setting personal learning goals each year, quarter, month (or even a day), such as reading / listening to a certain number of books, attending workshops, or enrolling in online courses. For instance, Bill Gates is known for his habit of reading 50 books a year, which keeps him informed and inspired. 2. Overwhelmed by Responsibilities Leaders often juggle multiple responsibilities, leaving them with little time or energy to focus on learning. The demands of their roles can make it challenging to prioritize personal and professional development. AKA: “I don’t have time or energy”. This sentence barely goes through my throat since for me, there’s no such thing as lack of time. It’s only a lack of priority. Solution? Task and energy management is a key. Leaders should schedule dedicated time for learning activities, just as they would for any other important meeting. This might include setting aside an hour each day for reading or listening to educational podcasts during commutes. Additionally, delegating tasks and empowering team members can free up time for leaders to focus on their growth. The key is to get the time back, not to use constantly the old excuse. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I couldn’t agree more. 3. Fear of Vulnerability Admitting a lack of knowledge or skill can make leaders feel vulnerable, especially if they believe it might undermine their authority. This fear can prevent them from seeking new learning opportunities. Also, it’s necessary to step into the uncomfortable while learning. It might mean making mistakes, that… other people can see! (OMG, that’s the end of the world!). We have so many limiting beliefs in our brains and this on should be on the top of our lists to exchange with a new one immediately. Solution? Embracing vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness is essential. Leaders can create a culture of learning within their organizations by openly sharing their own learning journeys and encouraging others to do the same. For example, Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft, promotes a “learn-it-all” culture rather than a “know-it-all” approach, which has been instrumental in transforming the company. 4. Lack of Feedback Without regular feedback, leaders may not be aware of areas where they need improvement. This lack of insight can lead to a false sense of competence, discouraging further learning. And there are so many new skills (technical / SME-oriented, and social / leadership) that sometimes we simply don’t know what to choose. It’s not surprising! And when we don’t know where to focus, we often choosing not doing anything at all. Solution? Seeking feedback from supervisors, peers, mentors, and team members can provide valuable insights into areas for growth. Leaders should actively solicit constructive feedback and use it as a foundation for their learning plans. Implementing a regular asking mode, even if it’s just sending a short e-mail to 10 people once per quarter with the note: “Hi! I just wanted to ask you for 2 things. What I do well when we work together? What can I do better?” This way we actively seek information with examples from people that can really answer those questions. Easy, simple and doable: how does it sound as a quick implementation idea? 5. Rapid Technological Changes The rapid pace of technological advancements can be intimidating, especially for leaders who are not tech-savvy. The fear of not keeping up with the latest trends can discourage them from trying to learn about new technologies. 2 weeks ago, I’ve started a new growth path in one of the companies I work with. I included some AI tools to show them how they can use the tech tools so they get their time back that they spend right now on repetitive, easy tasks, so they can invest it somewhere else. A bunch of people at the end of the workshop said: “You know what, Alex? It’s all great, extremely useful. But after this workshop I see how big of a gap I must fill out.”. It wasn’t my intention at all! I gave them 3-4 tools + one platform that they can use as a browser if they want to cover a specific need. And that was all! But the feeling or a though in themselves was so strong that we needed to spend a while on addressing that properly. Solution? Leaders should focus on building digital literacy by starting with the basics and gradually advancing their skills. Enrolling in beginner-friendly courses or workshops can help demystify technology. Additionally, partnering with tech-savvy team members or hiring digital consultants can provide guidance and support. The most important thing? Start small. You don’t need to be an expert

16 November 2024 No Comments

Leadership

Leading Edge: 7 Things the Best Leaders Do Daily

We talk so much about what leaders do wrong. What kind of mistakes they make, what skills they lack of or why people leave them. And as it’s important to be conscious and honest, it’s also quite depressing. Are we all really that bad in what we do? Of course not! Every day I see a lot of good behaviors, reactions and habits that leaders do, and it makes them great for their people. We tend to focus on the gaps and not seeing the gains: that’s why I think a lot of us fail miserably. Because of the constant feeling or thought of not being enough. What sets the best leaders apart from the rest then? Let’s dig deeper into this one today. #1 They Lead by Example The best leaders don’t just talk the talk, they walk the walk. They set an example for others to follow by embodying the values and principles they expect from their team. Whether it’s showing up early, staying late, or going above and beyond in their work, the best leaders lead by example and inspire others to do the same. The same thing applies when it comes to the growth: how on Earth team members should be focused on learning when they don’t see it in their leader? It’s about both, skillset and mindset. Being better version of ourselves every single day. It’s like with children: they model what we do more than listen to what we say. Of course, words have a huge power, but it’s all about action. Where the focus goes, the energy flows. #2 They Use Communication Intelligence Communication is key in any relationship, and it’s especially important in a leadership role. The best leaders are able to clearly and effectively communicate their vision, expectations, and feedback to their team. They are also great listeners, open to feedback, and willing to have difficult conversations when necessary. This is all about communication intelligence: to be able to listen or read (depending on the situation), make strong hypothesis who is speaking to us on the other side and tailor the communication accordingly. Then to mindfully observe if it’s landing how we aimed it for. If yes, great! If not, change it: there’s always space to improve, to shape the communication better. It’s like a muscle on the gym: weak at the beginning, but it strengths up every time you train. #3 They Empower Their Team The best leaders understand that they can’t do it all on their own. They empower their team by delegating tasks, providing opportunities for growth and development, and trusting their team to make decisions. By empowering their team, the best leaders create a sense of ownership and accountability that drives success. Sometimes I see leaders that are not delegating tasks and then they are surprised by two things. Number 1 is that they are exhausted from doing everything on their own. Number 2 is that the team is not improving their skills, so they can’t trust to give them the more difficult or advanced tasks. No kidding, right? It’s a vicious cycle: if they don’t do it, they’ll never learn. You have a lot of Juniors in your team? Take baby steps. Give small tasks, recognize for what they need and then move to the next level. #4 They Inspire and Create Motivational Work Environment Great leaders have the ability to inspire and create that kind of environment that will create high level of intrinsic motivation in their team to achieve greatness. Whether it’s through their passion, enthusiasm, or ability to paint a compelling vision of the future, the best leaders are able to ignite a fire within their team that drives them to go above and beyond. Those leaders understand that we all are individuals, with different needs, hungers, aspirations, values and desires. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach: if we are leaders, we need to tailor the elements of the environment so it’s good for the whole team. It’s like with tailoring communication that we mentioned before. Not easy, but necessary (if we want for our people to thrive and not quit of course). #5 They Adapt to Change The best leaders understand that change is inevitable and are able to adapt and thrive in ever-changing environments. They are flexible, open-minded, and able to pivot when necessary. Instead of resisting change, the best leaders embrace it and see it as an opportunity for growth and improvement. The key word here? The Growth Mindset. Without the mind that wants to learn, sees opportunities in every situation (especially those that are uncomfortable, new or challenging) and believes that things are happening FOR us, not TO us. Do you want to have a leader like that? Yeah, me too. #6 They Foster a Positive Culture The best leaders understand the importance of creating a positive work culture. We have so much darkness around us, so much pain, war, diseases, troubles, scarcity. If we stay in the work environment that focuses on the same mindset, we’ll attract more of that. As mentioned before: where the focus goes, the energy flows. If we focus on what’s wrong, hard, on all of those bad changes that are happening in the organization, we’ll get more of the dark side of life and work. But, if we focus on what’s right, on the abundance of options, opportunities to learn, meet and growth with new people, use mentorship, create value for others what do you think we’ll get more of? Exactly. #7 They Lead with Integrity Integrity is a non-negotiable quality for the best leaders. They lead with honesty, transparency, and a strong moral compass. Even if they don’t have the full knowledge, they share with the team what they know and can give them to cut off the rumors or fear. They hold themselves and others accountable for their actions and always do what is right, even when it’s

2 November 2024 No Comments

Artykuły

Work Drama Triangle (and How to Escape It)

Why Leaders Quit Learning and How to Overcome It?

Leading Edge: 7 Things the Best Leaders Do Daily